Whenever you doubt yourself, you set yourself up for slowing down or quitting. You self sabotage.
The solution to self doubt is self confidence.
Self confidence is internal. It’s a thought pattern. It’s your opinion about yourself.
Typically, we’re taught to look to our past experiences for evidence of whether we’ll be successful in the future. But to be successful at something you’ve never done, you must be confident in yourself first. This means believing in yourself even when you’re failing and doing it all wrong.
Self confidence is a skill that you can get really good at. In this episode, I show you exactly how.
Here are my favorite resources to go with this podcast:
- Building Confidence From The Inside Out (blog post)
- Overcoming Self Doubt (blog post)
- The Self Care Myth (podcast)
- Getting Ready Every Day (podcast)
- Self Doubt Free Course (training)
- Grow You (coaching)
Full Self Confidence Episode Transcript
Welcome to the Design Your Dream Life podcast where it’s all about designing your life on your terms and now your host, Natalie Bacon.
What’s up my podcast friend today, I want to talk with you about self confidence. How is your summer going? First and foremost? I know for me, it’s been fun. I am getting outside a lot more spending a lot more time at parks, obviously a lot less travel, a little road trip here and there. It’s been nice to sit outside and just get some sun by the pool, but a very different experience with all of the stay in shelters in place, as I’m sure you’re also experiencing wherever you are.
I am also doing what I consider some fun things with my financial life. You guys know I paid off all my debt earlier this year, since then I have been signing up for all the things that I was putting off the longterm disability insurance, the life insurance, getting a will in place. All of those things I consider that are really for grownups, right?
The adults. And I am doing it mid thirties. No better time than right now. For those of you who are paying off debt or have financial goals something fun that I did was I put a placeholder for these expenses in my budget ahead of time. So now it’s really fun to actually get, to fill those in and no longer have a debt category at all.
It’s just a way to bring that visualizing to life by really creating it tangibly in a budget, even before you put numbers in it. Right? So before this time, this year I was putting zeros in those spots, but now I fill them up and you know, maxing out retirement this year is a goal of mine. And that’s going to be really fun. So wherever you’re at, you can start to integrate those things into your life, even if you don’t have the results yet. And it’s really fun when you get to create those results. As I am doing right now.
What are we talking about today? We are talking about self confidence. So I did a lot of research for this episode. And then I spent a lot of time thinking about the topic because I wanted to bring something original to you and really useful. And what I came up with was that there is a big problem with confidence and self confidence. And the problem is most people don’t have the awareness that self competence is a problem.
So if you don’t even realize that self confidence is a problem, you can’t solve for it. The opposite of self confidence is self doubt. It’s lacking faith in yourself. So if you lack faith in yourself, you do not have self confidence. And it might show up like saying something like I can’t get a new job right now because of COVID or I can’t start a business because I don’t know how.
And you think that you are just reporting facts. So you think that the problem is the job market or the problem is you don’t know how to start an online business. So you don’t have the awareness that the problem is actually self confidence. And I see this all the time. It’s not just with jobs or money or business, right? It’s also, I can’t lose weight. I’m so stressed at work.
And given my family history, you know, it’s just so hard right now, or whatever your reason is, that seems legit to doubt yourself and your abilities is coming from self doubt. And the solution to that is not to change your circumstances so that you can believe in yourself, it’s to do the opposite. It’s to start believing in yourself now ahead of time. And that’s how you create the result. Okay? I think this is so important because even in my own life, I find that in areas where I wouldn’t say I lack self confidence, that’s actually what’s happening.
So just be really cognizant of that and coach yourself, get coaching, come to Grow You, and I’ll coach you on it. So you can see if that’s what’s happening. Let’s take a look at what the differences between confidence, self, confidence, and arrogance. Whenever I teach confidence and self confidence, arrogance always comes up. And it’s really interesting. I find particularly for the, women’s not always, but often we don’t have the self confidence to believe in ourselves without thinking that it’s arrogant.
So arrogance is I’m better than you. And arrogance doesn’t feel good. That’s how you can tell if you are actually in true self confidence, or if you’re an arrogance, arrogance will not feel good. It’ll come from insecurity. So it’s, I’m better than you. That’s arrogance. Confidence, self confidence is I’m amazing and your amazing, and that feels good. And if you believe, like, I believe that all of the humans are equal.
Then you can genuinely practice those beliefs. It might not be intuitive for you, but you can practice. That’s the beauty of the mind. You can decide what to think on purpose. Sometimes I’ll talk about confidence and self-confidence interchangeably, but in this episode, I want you to really think about the difference. So confidence can come from something external. It can come from evidence. It can come from your experience.
So you might have confidence in your ability to be a nurse because you have been a nurse for 10 years. You might have confidence in your ability to read, to write, to play volleyball, you know, to practice law. I think that is different than self confidence. Self confidence is a belief in yourself, regardless of any evidence. So you believe in yourself, you have a high opinion of yourself, regardless of your experience. I think that’s different than just saying I’m confident in my ability to, you know, do my hair or whatever else, record a YouTube video record, a podcast episode, right?
When you say confidence in that way, you are creating this belief and this sense of certainty that you can rely on based on your past, based on evidence. And that’s cool, that’s useful, right? But we want to master self confidence so that we can create our future, even when there’s no evidence to support it. So if you are a lawyer and you want to continue to be a lawyer, it’s great that you’re confident in your ability to be a lawyer.
If you want to run an online business and make six figures online, and you’ve never done that before, self-confidence is going to be very important. You can believe in yourself and have a high opinion of yourself, even though you’ve never done it before. And you don’t have the, how, this is something that we’re generally not taught to do, right? We kind of do this inadvertently when we give examples of our past, right? Oh, well you did such a good job on this. So then you’ll do a great job on that.
And it seems kind of harmless and it’s not even bad. It just reinforces the belief that we have to have evidence in order to believe that we’ll be good at something, or we can do something. Or, you know, in order to have a opinion of ourself, you can just believe in yourself and have certainty in yourself without having any evidence in your past at all.
This means that when you’re failing, when you’re doing it wrong, when you’re making mistakes, you love yourself. It’s having peace with your whole self. It’s not just believing in yourself when you’re winning. It’s believing in yourself when you’re losing. Now, this doesn’t mean that you never apologize. And you never think that what you did was wrong. It’s actually the opposite. It’s being willing to lean into yourself without beating yourself up and have compassion for yourself and say that you are wrong and that you messed up. Right? True self confidence is believing in you no matter what
Self-confidence always feels good. When you are self confident, you will be future focused. You will not look to your past for evidence that you can do something. Something that I just thought of was one of my peers mentioned that I never talk about being a lawyer. And she said it in a way that was meant to be a compliment.
She said, you never kind of brag about being a lawyer or refer to your past and bring it up in that way. And I said, it’s because I’m so future focused, right? I am happy to talk about my experience with law and being a lawyer or a CFP. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just that I’m so future focused that it’s not on my mind. So when you’re that future focused, you will achieve what you want to achieve because you believe in yourself.
And that doesn’t mean that you’re not failing. It just means that you’re not making failure mean something about you. So if I fail, it doesn’t even really cross my mind that this isn’t gonna work out. Right. Instead I’m thinking something like, Oh, I wonder what happened next time. It’s going to be better. Let’s figure out, you know, what went wrong? How I can do a better job.
I really see it as a problem to be solved. And that’s what leads to achievement. That’s what leads to me achieving my goals. It puts me into massive action because I’m not making those failures or missing the mark means something negative about me. It’s not changing my belief in myself now. Naturally, this has been a lot easier for me in my life. I think in part, because growing up, my dad always filled me with those thoughts.
He always said I could do whatever I wanted in my life. I didn’t have to be the smartest. Most people would stop working hard if I wanted to achieve whatever goal I could. Right. So I practiced those thoughts from a young age, in the realm of career and money. And even, you know, it was easy for me to apply those to business. It’s kind of still in the area of career. What I didn’t have was self confidence in love.
So that’s an area where I had to practice those thoughts and believing on purpose, regardless of my results. Instead of looking to my past, as evidence of what I should believe. And I would have never said, Oh, I have a self confidence problem ever. I think that’s the biggest problem with self confidence problems is that we don’t see them as a self confidence problem at all.
So look at the areas of your life, where you want different results and ask yourself what you’re believing about your ability to create it. Because if you’re in self-confidence, you will get into massive action. You will really push yourself forward from positive emotion. You will be energized, right? Confidence makes you 10 times better at whatever you are doing.
If you are in self a doubt, you might be hoping AKA stalling and not taking massive action. And it seems so innocent. We’re like, well, I hope it works out. I hope he calls back. I hope. I hope I hope. And it doesn’t put us into action. It abdicates responsibility as if our results are dependent on our circumstances on someone else. Confidence is the opposite. Self confidence is the opposite. It’s I’m going to create this result. I’m the one, right? And I don’t think this is intuitive.
If you were blessed with a parent or someone else, a mentor in your life who offered these thoughts to you, when you were very young, then your brain will have practiced them. Okay? But if not, that just means that you don’t have this as a skill yet. So I want you to think of it as a skill, right? It’s like forming new neuropathways in your brain. You want to get really good at this neural pathway of, in yourself.
So here are some thoughts that you might want to consider, try on, see how they feel. That would reflect being self confident. I love me no matter what I can do hard things. I always can rely on me. I don’t know how yet, but I know I can figure it out. Regardless of my circumstances, I create my results. I love all of me. I know I can create what I want. This failure is just feedback. It’s not going to stop me.
Notice that these thoughts are very intentional. So I don’t just wake up thinking these thoughts. Okay? So if I miss the mark, maybe it’s something in my business or, you know, my physical health. I’m going to a physical therapist right now. I’m hyper mobile. So I’m doing a lot more strength training. So let’s say I missed the Mark in that way. Even though I think I do practice self confidence a lot. If I miss the mark, I have to be intentional about thinking these thoughts. So it might be that I write them down. How do I want to think about this? So take the time to do this. It will serve you so well. What do I want to think about my ability to do this? What thought can create that feeling of confidence and certainty? Right? I got this, no matter what, I’m the one I make good decisions.
All right. I coach a lot of women in Grow You on decision making. It’s an area that we all are struggling with or can struggle with, but you can get better at it. So what are you telling yourself about your ability to make good decisions? Right? You can just decide I’m someone who makes good decisions. You can just decide that. So think about that and be really intentional with your opinion of yourself.
Now, I want to talk with you about the three phases of self confidence. I came up with this again when I was doing my thinking time, because I see so many different people. I coach so many different clients, and I think that they all kind of fit into one of three phases of self competence.
The first phase is doubting yourself. No matter what the second phase is believing in yourself when you’re winning. And the third phase is believing in yourself when you are losing. So if you’re in phase one, you are doubting yourself and you’re beating yourself up. You are looking for evidence of how you can’t create the life you want.
Your brain is scanning for. It’s not possible for me. Even when you, win you don’t take responsibility for creating that result, you either think it was luck or chance or whatever you explain it away. You do not think you created it. So to get out of phase one, I want you to start by looking at all of your accomplishments and find evidence in your life where you’ve achieved and use that to strengthen your belief in yourself. Okay?
So examples would be, you know how to read, you know how to ride a bike. You know how to get dressed in the morning you graduated college, you became a nurse, whatever, right? Big and small. I want you to make a list of all of your accomplishments. This will get your brain thinking about how awesome you are. You are awesome. You just don’t know it yet, right?
This is going to help you shift from phase one to phase two. If you’re in phase two, you believe in yourself when you’re winning, when you’re doing a good job. So if you succeed, you take credit for it. But in phase two, you don’t believe in yourself when you’re failing. When you’re losing. That’s when you’re beating yourself up and doubting your abilities to get through this phase and into phase three, I want you to focus on believing in yourself when you fail. This is the next level confidence, right? So most people at best are in phase two.
So to get from phase two, to phase three, write down all of your failures and turn them into strategies, Right? Or write down all of the things that you think are imperfect about you and write down how they’re also amazing. So you’re writing down how each set back is a setup. Let’s say you set out to lose 10 pounds and you gained four pounds. Write down why this is the best thing ever for you, right?
Your brain is not going to want to do this. Your brain is going to say, no, this is horrible. I set out to lose 10 pounds and I’ve gained four. You have to teach your brain, no brain. This was supposed to happen. I’m so glad because now I’m going to lose 14 pounds. I’m going to believe in myself, even when, especially when it’s hard, I’m going to love myself, 14 pounds up, right? And I’m going to lose the weight. This is the best opportunity for me right now. And you write down why, when you reframe your fails, you start to see that you can think whatever you want and that there’s no downside to believing in yourself when you’re losing.
When you’re failing, when you’re missing the Mark, when you’re getting it all wrong. And that is what gets you into phase three. If you’re in phase three, you believe in yourself. When you’re losing, you love yourself. When you’re getting it wrong. This is where your mental game is so strong that the setback or the failure won’t stop you. This is true. Self confidence. It’s seeing the evidence and making it mean this is the perfect setup for you to win.
Even if you’re losing right now, what I find is that you can be in different phases of self confidence for different areas of your life, right? So you may be in phase three for your health, but in phase one for your money. And I think that as long as you are living and getting outside your comfort zone and committed to growth, there’s always going to be something new that you can apply your self confidence work to.
It’s just part of it because your brain naturally will not believe in you. When you go to do something really new and different. It’s that survival brain that will come up and it will say, you can’t do that. Go back inside, watch Netflix and eat some Twizzlers. Please have some wine, right? Your brain just wants to keep you safe. It does not want you to go after it. So if you’re trying something new, you might be in phase one, right?
Whatever makes you most uncomfortable, you will likely be in phase one. I remember Warren Buffet talking about one of his certificates that he has up in his office. And it wasn’t his degrees. It was a certificate of public speaking, right? Because to him, that was the hardest. That was something he never thought he could overcome. So for you, it’s not necessarily going to be that your phase one, two or three aligns with what makes the most sense, you know, externally to other people, but to you, what have you doubted yourself in?
And can you focus on that area and practice believing in yourself so much that you even believe in yourself when you’re losing, right? That’s the work. I think it’s so worth it. It’s hard. I think what makes it harder than normal is that we don’t really recognize it as a self confidence problem. We just see it as facts. And really it’s our thoughts that are creating how we feel about ourselves. So know that self confidence doesn’t come from outside of you.
It’s a feeling created by your thinking and you can choose to think positive thoughts about yourself right now. You can choose to have your own back, even when you’re getting it wrong, especially when you’re getting it wrong. You don’t have to beat yourself up. You don’t have to doubt yourself. If not this time, then the next time. You’re all in. You can always believe in you. And I think that is one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourself. All right. I will talk with you next week.
Hey, if you liked this podcast you really should check out, Grow You, my life coaching program. I coach you on everything I teach on the podcast so that you can uplevel your life. We 10x it so you get the results you want most. Just like a monthly gym membership to get your body in shape, this is a monthly personal development membership to get your mind in shape. It is an investment your future self will thank you for. Check it out at Nataliebacon.com/coaching. That’s Nataliebacon.com/coaching. I will see you there.