Navigating toddler tantrums is one of the most challenging parts of the first years of motherhood. That’s why I’m sharing with you today’s post on how to use mindfulness tools to handle toddler tantrums, in hopes that it will provide you a little bit of relief.
Mindfulness practices can help tremendously because they show you how to focus on what you can control—you.
Here are five mindfulness practices that can help you navigate the worst tantrums.
1. Regulate your own emotions in the moment.
During a meltdown, a child is experiencing emotions that are too big to regulate for their age. They can feel the feeling but don’t know how to manage it. That’s why they act out; they have the urge and can’t internally cope. As the caregiver, if you can stay calm and regulated, you provide a safe space for them to feel supported during what feels like a very “out of control” moment. This is co-regulation.
It requires feeling your feelings without acting out. Practice going inward when your child is having a tantrum and breathing deeply, allowing yourself to calm down your nervous system. The more calm you are, the better chance they have at calming down, too.
Resources:
- Family Mindset: We’re On The Same Team (podcast)
- How To Cope With Negative Thoughts As A Mom (free class)
2. Have a go-to mantra, like “your big feelings don’t scare me.”
In the middle of a tantrum it can seem like an emergency. Your brain can get overwhelmed, your nervous system can get activated, and when this happens you can find yourself escalating. Having a go to mantra for these moments can be very grounding. One that I love and use myself is repeating “your big feelings don’t scare me.” This helps me focus on my presence while allowing my son to feel however he wants to feel.
Resources:
- How To Become A More Mindful Mom (free class)
- Everyday Overwhelm And Day-To-Day Struggles (podcast)
3. Instead of asking “how can I get my child to stop” ask yourself “who do I want to be when they’re upset?”
Anytime we’re in “get my child” mode we’re focusing on what we can’t control—our child. Instead, shift the focus back to you. Ask yourself “who do I want to be when my child is upset?” How do you want to feel? How do you want to react?
For example, if your child is having a meltdown, instead of asking “how can I get my child to stop screaming?” ask yourself “what kind of mom do I want to be when my child screams?” You’ll likely find yourself calmer, more rational, and more loving, even if the tantrum continues.
Focusing on what you can control (you) is much more empowering than trying to control your child (because of course you can’t control them).
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4. Name their desire out loud.
Kids have tantrums for all sorts of reasons (as I’m sure you know). The experience to them is very real, even though to us it’s obvious why they can’t touch the stove when it’s on or eat the candle.
To validate their experience (which in turn helps them feel seen and decreases their reaction), name the desire that they have out loud.
For example, if your child wants to touch the stove when you’re cooking and they start having a tantrum, you might say, “I see that you really want to touch the stove. I know you really really, really want to touch it.” And that’s it. You’re simply showing them that you see what they want. They still can’t touch the stove but they know you understand their want. This is connecting.
Resources:
- 5 Ways For Parents To Center Themselves During Tantrums (blog post)
- 3 Steps To Reduce Anxiety For Moms (free class)
5. Remind yourself you’re a good mom with a good kid who is having a hard time.
It’s easy to make tantrums mean something negative about us, as parents. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is that so often the tantrum is brought about because of a boundary required to keep our child safe (example: not touching the hot stove). In the moment, it can feel like we caused our child harm because of how upset they are. That’s not the truth, though. What’s actually happening is they feel disappointed they can’t get what they want, and they don’t yet know how to feel disappointment without erupting into a meltdown. Our job is to allow them space to feel their feelings. To show them we’re there for them and it’s okay to feel disappointed. Our job is not to make sure they never feel disappointed.
From a place of seeing that you’re doing a good job; that you’re making the best decisions you can given the circumstances, and that your child feeling big feelings doesn’t mean anything about you, is key to working through tantrums successfully.
This means reminding yourself that you’re a good mom, that your child is a good child, and that they’re simply feeling a big feeling without yet having the capacity to regulate themselves without acting out (i.e.: they’re having a hard time).
A Final Note
Mindfulness practices can help you navigate tantrums in a way that enables your kids to build the skill of feeling their feelings (which is a learned practice), which is the skill that’s missing when tantrums are present. Kids are born able to feel all their feelings with zero coping skills. The more we can use mindfulness tools to help them cultivate these skills, the better equipped they’ll be to manage their feelings into adulthood. And because there’s no point in time where we “graduate” from frustration (or any other negative emotion), this is a critically important skill to learn.
