Have you ever thought any of these sentences…
- I’m okay. There are some things wrong with me, but I’m alright.
- I’m different.
- There’s something wrong with me.
- I have a damaged past.
- I accept the way I am, even if that means I’m not good enough.
These sentences seem harmless (or, even true).
But the truth is they’re not.
This is self-sabotaging self-talk that leads to self-loathing (among other things).
It’s so important to address these seemingly innocent thoughts if you want to design a full, exceptional, and amazing life.
In this episode, I show you exactly how to have your own back, so you no longer accept the opinion you have of yourself, but instead create an intentional opinion that leads to the exact results you want.
Here are more of my favorite resources for this episode:
- Do You Have Your Own Back? (blog post)
- Dream Year: How To Accomplish Your #1 Goal This Year And Feel Good Doing It (book + workbook)
- Mindset Blog Posts (blog posts to read)
- How To Improve Your Mindset (podcast episode)
- Personal Development Free Course (free training)
- Personal Development For Her (course)
Full Episode Transcript
Welcome to the Design Your Dream Life podcast where it’s all about designing your life on your terms and now your host, Natalie Bacon.
Hey, how are you, I am so happy to be with you. I’m really excited because today is the day that you are going to have your own back starting today for the rest of your life and you probably didn’t know that when you started listening to this podcast so I am here to tell you that beginning today, right now you’re going to have your own back forever and it’s going to be amazing.
I think this is a problem mostly for women but it doesn’t have to be for women. What I’m seeing is that we are taught to say sorry so much that like growing up that it affects us in adulthood in some weird way. Where we’re like a little bit more insecure and we are apologizing all the time and we automatically think like everything is our fault and I’m just going to say for myself and for you that we’re just going to be done with that.
This is a newer practice for me and it is life changing. And I realized it in one area of my life in particular, which was like business and career. I have this confidence and I just am always feeling really good about it and I always have my own back. So what I started to do was apply it to every other area of my life. Now as you know, I am a life coach. I’m a certified life coach.
And as part of that process I had to go through training and get coaching and be coached and give coaching. And to this day I still work with two coaches where we trade coaching cause I really want to make sure I’m honing my skill. It doesn’t make sense for me to do one-to-one coaching from a business perspective. But it’s really important for me that I am getting really good at the skill of coaching.
And what I’m noticing with the people who I coach with and from people who write into me all the time is that we’re not having our own backs. So starting today, you’re gonna learn how and you’re just going to have your own back. And it’s going to be amazing.
Examples of not having your own back is when you’re like, there’s something wrong with me. I’m different. I’m not okay. Like my body isn’t okay. I don’t make enough money. I’m okay, but there’s something wrong with me. But I’m all right. Notice in saying these things, you might say them about yourself, but you would probably never say them about someone you love so much. Like whether it’s like a child or a niece or nephew, your significant other, your spouse, right? You’re going to say this about yourself and not someone else. Like, isn’t that so interesting?
We just treat the people we love so much better than we treat ourselves. And it can be subtle. So it’s super obvious when you don’t have your own back, when you’re just like beating yourself up and you’re not liking yourself and you’re, you know, I don’t have enough money. I don’t like my body. Like that’s really obvious, but I just want you to know it’s kind of subtle too. I’m all right but there’s just some things wrong with me, but it’s fine. That is not having your own back and we’re just going to be done starting now. It’s amazing.
I want you to know though, why beating yourself up is not a good thing. So it’s just not useful. It doesn’t help in any way. It’s kind of like punching yourself in the face. Totally unnecessary. It doesn’t help you get a result that you want.
It doesn’t help you do anything. But it’s so funny. It kind of feels like it’s necessary. And again, I think this is just how we’re raised. I don’t know. I’m telling you it’s just not useful. It’s not necessary and it causes you to feel really bad. It can result in self-loathing. And I want you to just think about where in your life this comes up for you.
So do you struggle with having a high opinion of yourself? So be curious about this. Is it with your eating? Is it with your relationships? Is it with your body? Is it with over drinking? Is it with money? Is it with your business? Like, where are you struggling to have a high opinion of yourself in your life? Because it’s really likely that in one area you feel really good about yourself but not in another area. And it’s kind of like you’re getting that confidence based on the results you have instead of just having the confidence within you, regardless of the results.
And what happens is when you feel sorry for yourself, you kind of beat yourself up. And this has to do with the opinion you have of yourself. So it’s like your relationship to yourself. So I just want you to start to notice how you think about yourself because you can’t tell if there’s an actual problem until you start paying attention to this and become aware of it.
And I think this is so important because how you decide to treat yourself and what opinion you have of yourself determines how you feel and it determines how you act and it will determine the results in your life. So, for example, if you are thinking the thought something’s wrong with me, you might feel the feeling of shame and then you might act in a way that is quote unquote wrong by your standards. And then you get a result, right, where you’re providing more evidence that something is wrong with you, right?
So just remember that whatever you’re thinking, you’re going to manifest that. You’re going to create that in your life. So if you’re thinking that you have like something wrong with you, you’re going to create that in your life. You know, if you were thinking you’re amazing or you were thinking like I’m competent flaws and all or whatever it is, you’re thinking more abundant thought, you’re going to create that result.
I was coaching someone who was having marital problems and her husband was leaving the house without warning and trying to sabotage her success in her business. And she knew that he was wrong, but she was also blaming herself and saying that she wasn’t being compassionate. And I asked her if that was true and she paused and said, no, she knows she’s compassionate. She was just looking for a reason for her to be at fault.
And I was like, no, we’re just done. Like we’re done. We’re going to have our own back. Right? And it was so unfamiliar to her. We’re just not used to having our own back, right? We want to give other people the benefit of the doubt, which is still a really good habit to be in, but why not give us the benefit of the doubt? How about like, no, I’m going to have my own back on this. You will create more evidence in your life to prove your own belief systems, right?
So if you have your own back, you’re going to create evidence for that. A lot of us haven’t been taught to accept ourselves and I just want you to note that by accepting yourself, you want to accept yourself and your worthiness. What I see and what I don’t want you to do is that you accept that you have to hate yourself.
That is not useful and you do not need to do that. Hating and self-loathing and like this is all a choice. Wishing you were different than you are is like a sneaky way of thinking that there’s something wrong with you and that you should be better and I just want you to know right now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. There is nothing in your life that’s worth hating or not liking or not appreciating about you just done.
We’re done hating on ourselves. We’re going to have our own back going forward. This is between you and me and it’s going to be fricking amazing when you’re doing this work. It’s really important that you understand the difference between guilt and shame. I love this. If you’ve read any of Brene Brown stuff, you’ve definitely heard of this before, but guilt is I did something wrong.
So I went into debt to buy a car. I made a mistake. That’s like guilt. That’s like a useful emotion. Shame is I am wrong, so you’re like, I feel less than because of my student loan debt, so it’s taking the guilt to a whole different level. It’s not useful. I see this so much with women. It’s like we beat ourselves up and then we make our money or our business or whatever area in our life mean that like we are less than and we’re not worthy of all of the things.
This is totally unnecessary. I just want you to know that. I mean, I remember this meeting with someone, I was kind of a mentor to her and she’s amazing and she’s got her whole life ahead of her, just graduated college and she’s got student loan debt and she living at home. She’s paying it off and she’s like on top of it and so responsible and she is so stressed.
And not only that, she is beating herself up about her student loan debt and she was in tears. She’s making it mean something about her. And I see this more with women. The men that I talk to about student loan debt, they just in my experience haven’t done this to themselves, which is a good thing. I’m sure it’s not universal, but it’s just been my experience that it’s more common with the women I come in contact with and it’s just not useful.
There’s nothing wrong with you, regardless of the choices you’ve made, right? Regardless of if you did something wrong because you have done things that you think are wrong, of course you have you’re human that’s part of the human experience. You don’t need to feel that shame. It’s not useful. Instead you can just feel guilt about it and say, I did something wrong.
I made a mistake. I’m going to fix it and it means nothing about me and my worthiness. I’m going to have my own back. I want you to start practicing having your own back and telling you it is life changing. I had a recent experience actually where I had a few too many glasses of Prosecco and I didn’t do anything bad. I didn’t say anything bad. I didn’t like. There were no consequences, right?
There was nothing like I did wrong there wasn’t even guilt that was necessary. And I just decided that I wasn’t going to feel shame about it because in the past had that happened the next day I would just default to shame for no reason, just for no reason, nothing bad happened. And I would just feel shame like I am wrong. And I want you to notice that. And so recently, like when that happened, I was like, no, I’m just done.
I have my own back. It’s totally fine and it will rock your world. It makes the entire life experience so much better. And when you do this, when you have your own back, you’re kind of building this confidence, right? And confidence is the state of being certain and trusting in yourself. Confidence is a feeling and it’s a feeling that you have and it feels amazing and an inspired action.
So if you have the thought, I have my own back and that generates the feeling of confidence. You’re going to take action from that place and you’re going to create momentum and movement in your life. It is worth taking the time to practice with this. I know so many people who say I struggle with confidence or I’m just not confident. And I want you to understand that this just is a way that you’ve trained yourself to think about yourself.
Confidence isn’t like a gene that you’re born with or not born with, right? Confidence comes from your thinking. So when you practice thinking negative thoughts about yourself, that’s what you get really, really good at. So I want you to practice having positive thoughts about yourself. So that’s what you get really, really good at.
And this doesn’t come from a place of neediness or control. It comes from a place of certainty and love. And it’s totally different than trying to control a situation or acting out confidence in like a fake way, like a fake it till you make it. It’s not like that at all. And I just want you to be aware that confidence and having your own back comes from your thoughts, not your results. So people always want to feel confident with money, with business, with career, when they have the results, like I’ll feel confident I can make six figures from my business once I do.
What you want to do instead is practice the thoughts that generate the feelings of confidence ahead of time, right? It’s like I have my own back. I’m going to do the hard things because you know what happens then? Then you take massive action and then you’re willing to take action and pursue your goals and stumble and fail.
You’re willing to be rejected. You’re willing to feel the hard feelings that are uncomfortable, like failure and humiliation because when you do that and you keep going, you get the results and it starts from that confidence ahead of time because if you don’t have your own back and you say you’re just not good at it and you say you just can’t do it, what’s going to happen is that you’re gonna self sabotage and you’re just not going to go for it and you’re going to fail ahead of time.
Which is so interesting because it’s like you’re literally just failing ahead of time. It’s like you might as well have gone for it and failed. And at least you can say I’m amazing because I tried the hard things and that’s what I want you to do. I want you to get good at having your own back. Start to notice little things in your life that you can be proud of. And this can be the smallest little thing. It doesn’t have to be some grand thing.
And I notice a lot that people will flip in between being like really, really proud. And it’s like the events that you’re posting on Instagram because you just achieved some huge goal and that on the one end, and then on the other end, it’s like hating ourselves. And what I want you to do is find that middle ground and take time to notice the moments that you can feel like you have your own back and you’re confident and you’re proud of yourself.
This doesn’t mean that you think you’re better than other people. It doesn’t mean that you are, um, coming from a place of arrogance. So arrogance is like, I’m better than you, right? No, I don’t want you to do that. I want you to feel confident and I’m amazing and you’re amazing and we’re both amazing and I’m going to have my own back on this, but you have to train your brain to do this because if you start to ask yourself like, how can I have my own back here? Or what’s something I can be proud of? Or how can I feel more confident? Your brain is like a computer. It’s going to find answers for you. What I see is that we’re doing the opposite. It’s in subtle ways and I just want you to notice this in yourself and I just want you to be done with it and I want you to start small.
Whatever it is you’re just done beating yourself up and you’re just going to have your own back no matter what it is, even if you don’t achieve the thing, like I want you to just have your own back and be proud of yourself and be confident just for making the effort. That is the magic.
So find the feeling, whether it’s pride, whether it’s confidence, and make a plan to do things and then attempt to do them and then be proud of yourself for doing them so you don’t have to hit the goal to be proud of yourself, to have your own back. You can have your own back and be confident and be proud of yourself just for making the effort. And I think that is where you have the most success anyways because then it perpetuates you to take more action in the future.
It’s like, okay, when I failed the CFP exam is like a perfect example. The first time I took it I failed. And it’s just like I don’t really acknowledge failure in my life. I just like, it doesn’t enter my brain ever. I just interpret it as like, okay I have to do that again. That’s like annoying cause it’s three more months in my life or whatever, you know?
But I just don’t make it mean anything about me. And I think that that’s like a really clear example where I just said, okay, well I made the effort and the effort didn’t hit the mark and I’m just going to make the effort again. Now had I beat myself up about that, had I made that mean something about myself, maybe I wouldn’t have taken it again or if I would have taken it again, maybe I wouldn’t have passed.
So it’s like the unnecessary beating ourselves up and making our failures and making the obstacles and our mistakes mean something negative about who we are and feeling that shames so unnecessarily. And what I want you to do is I want you to look at a picture of yourself or look in the mirror and I want you to think about your thoughts and ask yourself like, what do I think about myself? Like what do I feel about myself?
Pay attention to this because it matters. Like I love this exercise. It’s been so powerful for me. I just have a really good sense of self and it wasn’t always this way. I want you to know that I just used to come from a place of, um, I was always, I always felt strong, but it came from like a place of like control and like righteousness, self-righteousness, and wanting to always make a point.
And it just came from this place of insecurity, but it was more of like an extroverted insecurity, whereas some people might have the opposite experience, but either way, it was not confidence. It wasn’t real confidence. And now I feel so much steadier and I feel so good about myself in a very steady way, not in an arrogant way at all.
And that is such a good place to be in because it’s like I can make mistakes and I’m willing to make mistakes and I’m willing to fail publicly. Like I tell people all the time, my goal to hit seven figures and I’m like, I don’t care if I don’t hit it this year, it’s fine. It’s totally fine. So I’m just willing to put myself out there because I’m not going to make it mean anything if I don’t hit the mark.
Second thing I want you to do when you’re alone. I want you to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. What is your relationship with yourself? How do you speak to yourself? Now we all know people who struggle to be alone and you got to do some work here. I think that there is so much value in building your relationship and being okay being alone.
You got to manage your mind and have thoughts that support a very loving relationship with yourself. How do you speak to yourself? It’s so funny. You can look at it in every area of your life. I like love loving my money, which is so funny, but I love the exercise and I teach this in my money mindset courses is to really like or love your money in the way that you would treat your money. It’s just like you would treat like a person that you love, but you can do this in every area of your life, right?
How do you speak to the person you love the most or like your kids or your spouse or you know, your best friend. It’s like, are you speaking about well of yourself and like, I know you’re not. I know you’re not because you’re telling me, you know you’re writing me emails and I love your emails and I just want to tell you like nothing is wrong with you. Nothing at all. You’re not broken. That’s such a myth right. I don’t know how that became so popular, but you just have thought patterns and you can have different thought patterns and starting right now you just have your own back because we decided we made a pinky promise.
The third thing I want you to do is notice when you make a mistake, how do you treat yourself are you kind? Are you compassionate? Are you feeling guilt but saying, I have my own back. I made a mistake. I’m going to do the right things and leaning in. I’ll tell you how you know what you’re doing. It’s look at the actions. If you’re hiding, you’re probably in shame. So hiding, avoiding, wanting to curl up under the covers that that is shame and self pity and not having your own back.
You’re avoiding your life. So notice this and try to stop it and say, no, I’m going to have my own back. I made a mistake. I’m not a mistake. Every human makes mistakes and that’s just part of the human experience. Okay?
The fourth thing that I want you to do, I want you to come up with a love list to yourself of 100 things that you love and appreciate about yourself. And if you do this, I want you to email me and I want you to tell me you don’t have to give me your list, but I want you to come up with a list of a hundred things that you love and appreciate about yourself and then email me at [email protected] and email me the top thing that you love the most about yourself.
When you do this, it might be difficult if you’re not used to doing this, especially if you’ve been practicing negative thoughts about yourself, because if you’ve been practicing negative thoughts about yourself, that’s what you’re really good at.
Now, when you start practicing and appreciating loving yourself, that’s what you’ll get good at. So I just want you to notice that these are just thinking patterns and that you can totally change it right now and you can start practicing it and all you have to do is think about this and do it and take action and your life will change and it’ll get so much better and your circumstances don’t have to change at all.
I love the comparison to working out, cause I think everyone can relate to this. So think of the first time that you went to a really hard workout class, like your first yoga class. I remember recently I started doing core power yoga, the gym. And the first class was so amazing. I actually like rocked the class and then after the class I wasn’t walking out on the steps and I felt like my muscles literally gave out.
This guy was looking at me like he was like trying not to laugh but like help me. And I’m just like, because I like fell, not like a like little, little trip. I like fell all the way down. I was like mortified. But it was kind of funny because I was like, Whoa. Oh, my muscles were not used to that. It’s been so long. I was out of shape and so probably for three days at least I was so sore.
Okay. I’ve been going to that class every Tuesday. This past week I was not even sore at all, not even the next day. So the yoga class didn’t change.
It’s the same yoga class, but my muscles are getting stronger, so I’m practicing it. Right. This is just like that. You are going to practice training your brain to have your own back, so the first time you do it, when you have to write out a list of a hundred things you love and appreciate about yourself, it might be difficult. It might be like, that first yoga class I went to, or you might fall and it might be hard, and that’s totally okay. You’re just going to the mental gym for the first time and you’re going to practice this. It’s going to be amazing. Okay, so email me and let me know how it goes. I really am curious.
The fifth thing that I want you to do is I want you have a plan for obstacles. So I like to say, no, I’m not doing that anymore. I have my own back. Even if you just have one thought, especially if you get into a pattern where you typically don’t have your own back, like if you’re fighting with your spouse and even if he does something that you really don’t like and you end up beating yourself up about it, maybe this would be a good time for you to have a thought to plan for that obstacle.
So you would say, Nope, I’m not going to beat myself up about this anymore. I’m going to have my own back. The goal here is for you to become aware of how you treat yourself. Do you treat yourself as unworthy or do you treat yourself with love? And I’m telling you when you treat yourself with love and you just say, Nope, I have my own back now. When you start to do that, what happens is you will feel better and then you will take action and then you will do the hard things and then you accomplish your goals and you design your dream life, right?
Because I can get on here again and say set a goal and I do and I will right. But it’s so much more than that because when something goes wrong, quote unquote, in your life and life throws things at you, you have to have a plan for it. You have to be mentally tough and be prepared for how you’re gonna handle it so that you don’t hide. And so that you don’t beat yourself up. And so that you stop punching yourself in the face. Because when you do that, that’s when you’re stopping your goals. That’s when you’re not taking action. That’s when you’re hiding.
And I just don’t want that for you. I know that you totally can rock it and that you’re going to have your own back because it’s amazing. It’s so amazing. And the goal here is not only to have your own back and to be confident, but it’s really for you to be able to just be aware of what’s going on in your head so that you know that you’re really creating evidence for what you’re thinking in your life.
Because when you have this type of consciousness of what you’re thinking, you realize that you’re causing your own suffering. And sometimes you might want to beat yourself up. I don’t really ever recommend it, but like let’s say if you did something like you’ve cheated on your spouse, you might really want to feel bad about that for like a while, right?
But that’s not what I’m seeing. I’m seeing my spouse cheated on me and now I’m going to beat myself up because he did that. Right? It’s so interesting. It’s like women especially, I see this. I’m like, how about like, we can feel bad about it because we’re disappointed and you know, we’re devastated, right? But we’re not gonna make that mean something about us. We did not cause that. Right. You have to have your own back. And when you do this, when you have this strong sense of self,
I’m telling you, your world explodes. There is nothing wrong with you. I have my own back. I’m so excited that starting right now. You have your own back and you’re going to go out into the world and start practicing this and we’re going to have our own backs together and it’s amazing. Thank you so much for being with me this week. I will talk to you next week. Bye bye.
Thank you for listening to the Design Your Dream Life podcast. Subscribe to the podcast to get the latest episodes sent directly to you. To learn more about designing your dream life visit NatalieBacon.com.