Do you ever find yourself beating yourself up and feeling really bad?
We’ve all been there.
I used to be this way and it was so counterproductive.
So, now we’re going to stop.
You’re going to start having your own back as of today. I’ll show you exactly how to do it (and why it’s so important).
If you want to listen instead of read, here’s the podcast episode that goes along with this post — Having Your Own Back .
What It Means To Not Have Your Own Back
Here’s a fun fact: we have over 60,000 thoughts every day.
What’s even crazier is how much we hurt ourselves if we’re not intentional about what we’re thinking.
It’s time to take your power back from the pessimistic voice living in your head. The voice that tells you that you’re different, that there’s something wrong with you or that your body isn’t okay.
Not having your own back means doubting yourself, talking negatively to yourself, and not supporting you.
It sounds like telling yourself that what you’re doing is wrong.
The crazy thing is that we don’t do this to other people we love. We do it to ourselves.
Whenever a girlfriend says something negative about herself, we stop her, right? But we say negative things about ourselves all the time.
If we’re going to back up the people we love, the person we need to start with is ourselves.
Stop The Cycle Of Beating Yourself Up
The cycle of beating yourself up is not useful. Ever.
It doesn’t help you.
Beating yourself up hurts you. It’s kind of like punching yourself in the face.
Where does this negative pattern come up for you? Where do you struggle to have a high opinion of yourself?
To be honest, it might take a minute to catch these thoughts, since they may not be out of the ordinary for you.
Be curious. Write down all of your thoughts in an entire day.
Ask yourself these questions to see what you’re thinking about yourself in each category…
- Eating: How is your relationship with food? How is the relationship between food and your body?
- Drinking: What reasons do you like to drink? When you do, do you tend to over-drink?
- Relationships: How are your relationships in your life? Are they lifting you up or bringing you down?
- Money: Do you feel like you’re never making enough? Do you have a good relationship with money?
These questions will help you bring awareness to whether you have your own back. They can be really eye-opening!
You won’t know that this is genuinely a problem for you until you pay attention.
How you talk to yourself (and what you think about yourself) is so important because your opinion of yourself determines how you feel which determines how you act, which will determine your results.
Here’s an example, using the CTFAR Model…
- Thought: Something is wrong with me
- Feeling: Shame
- Action: Behave in a way that is “wrong”
- Result: More evidence to support your thought that something is wrong with you
What you believe always creates the results in your life.
I was coaching someone who was having marital problems. Her husband was leaving the house without warning and trying to sabotage her success in her business. My client started to question herself and whether she was somehow responsible. I asked her if she thought that was true, and she said no.
The lesson here is to become aware of what you’re thinking and ask if what you’re telling yourself is actually true.
When my client stopped to consider her thoughts she realized she was beating herself up.
You will create more evidence in your life to prove your own belief systems right.
Acceptance May Be Working Against You
A lot of us have been taught to “accept” ourselves.
This is all well and good unless you’re accepting that you hate yourself.
Hate and self loathing is a choice.
Wishing you were different than you are is a sneaky way of thinking there’s something wrong with you and that you should be better.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. There is nothing about you that’s worth hating or not appreciating.
There’s SO much to love about you. And me. And everyone.
So, let’s start right now.
What Guilt And Shame Have To Do With Having Your Own Back
So, what about when you do something wrong or make a mistake?
Should you feel bad about yourself then?
Taking a look at guilt and shame will help here.
Guilt means, “I did something wrong.”
Contrast this with shame.
Shame means, “I am wrong.”
Guilt is a useful emotion.
An example of feeling guilt would be going into debt buying a car and deciding you made a financial mistake, so you feel the emotion of guilt.
Shame is a whole different beast.
The feeling of shame comes from when you think you are wrong.
An example of feeling shame would be feeling less than because of your student loan debt.
This is totally unnecessary.
So, when you do something that you decide is wrong or you make a mistake, you may want to feel guilty about it so you don’t do it again.
Just be very careful about whether you’re feeling guilt or shame. Choose the emotion on purpose. Don’t be at the mercy of your emotions.
You always have a choice in how you feel.
Being Proud Of Yourself
To start having your own back, take a walk down memory lane and think about what you’ve accomplished.
This doesn’t have to be the big stuff.
Include the little stuff, too!
If you’ve ever broken up with a guy because you weren’t being treated the way you deserve, you should be proud that you are looking out for yourself. (We’ve all been there!)
Look for reasons to be proud of yourself and write them down. You’re amazing and the most important person who needs to know that is YOU!
Train your brain to be proud of yourself.
Ask yourself all of the reasons you have to be proud and don’t be shy when you come up with lots of answers.
Here’s the thing — we are either super proud of ourselves or we are hating ourselves.
We don’t have to do this! We can make the choice to love ourselves and have our own back.
Being proud of yourself does not mean the same thing as thinking you are better than anyone. You can be proud of yourself and other people at the same time.
So, I want you to go out and make yourself proud.
Make a plan to find the feeling of pride by attempting the things you want to achieve.
Making the effort is something to be proud of, even if you don’t achieve the result.
If you’re trying to make 6 figures in your business but don’t make it happen right away, it’s still great to be proud of all of the effort you’ve been putting in.
- Side note if you’re starting a business, check out my Ultimate Guide To Online Business page for my favorite tools to launch, grown, and monetize an online business.
Along the same lines as feeling proud of yourself is being confident.
Confidence is a state of being certain and trusting in yourself.
Confidence feels amazing.
Confidence inspires action.
When you take action from confidence, you create momentum and movement in your life.
It’s worth taking the time to practice feeling confident because the results are incredible.
It’s so easy to think that confidence comes from something external. But that’s just not true.
Confidence comes from within you.
Confidence comes from your thinking. If you struggle with confidence, it just means you haven’t wired your brain to think thoughts that generate the feeling of confidence.
Acting from fear means trying to have control. You may think you have to control things to get what you want, but when you’re confident, you realize that you don’t need to control your environment, just flow with it.
Here’s an example.
Imagine yourself walking into a party. To act with confidence or to act with fear can look the same, but the thought and feeling behind them are completely different. You can be super excited, happy and chatting up the crowd, but these actions can be from confidence or from fear and neediness.
Whenever you start to doubt yourself, catch fear dead in its tracks and replace it with confidence.
When it comes to money, career, or business, it’s easy to think that you’ll be confident once you have the results you’re looking for.
Confidence always comes from your thoughts, not your results.
What you want to do instead is practice thoughts that generate the feeling of confidence ahead of time.
The key to confidence is to be willing to feel any negative emotion.
If you’re willing to feel all of your emotions, you’ll take massive action to create the life you want. This is because you’re willing to experience failure or fear. Without this willingness, you won’t take action and you’ll be stuck where you are.
Don’t delay confidence by indulging in self doubt. This safe and comfortable feeling is doing nothing for you and there is no upside.
You can try something and on the other side of that experience, there will be success and acceptance or rejection, failure and humiliation. Have the confidence to find out, because if you don’t, you automatically fail by not going for it. Nobody likes a 100% chance of failure.
Similar to pride, confidence doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone else. That is arrogance. When you are arrogant, you don’t actually feel good. You think “I’m great and you’re not.”
Confidence is “I’m amazing and you’re amazing” and the feeling never gets old.
3 Steps To Practice Having Your Own Back
Having your own back means feeling proud of who you are.
It means having confidence in yourself.
It means recognizing your worth, even when you make mistakes.
When you look in the mirror, when you’re alone, when you make a mistake — all of these instances are opportunities to treat yourself with respect and love.
Here are 3 steps you can take right now to practice having your own back…
1. Speak to yourself with respect and treat yourself with love.
Identify the moments that make you feel shameful and greet them with love instead of adding on to this feeling with hurtful words.
I used to waste so much time being down on myself for having an extra glass of prosecco on a given night out.
I made a decision to never feel shame about it again and have my own back.
2. Create a ‘love list’ of 100 things you love and appreciate about yourself.
Whatever you practice thinking about yourself, you’ll be good at.
If you practice negative thoughts about yourself, you’ll become better at hating yourself.
When you practice appreciating and loving yourself, there will be enough love for your cup and it will overflow into all parts of your life.
If this list is difficult, it just means you haven’t been practicing this a lot.
Compare it to the first time you went to a hard workout class. You woke up the next morning sore, but feeling good. The more you went, the stronger you got.
This list is like going to the mental gym for the first time. You’re going to practice getting nicer and kinder and more loving to yourself.
3. Be prepared to be met with resistance and obstacles.
When old negative habits arise, tell yourself that you deserve better.
Say ‘No, I’m not doing that anymore. I have my own back.’
This practice will help you become aware of how you treat yourself. It will shine a light on the areas of your life where you feel unworthy and therefore treat yourself as such.
Here’s a very important message: You are more worthy than you know, in ALL areas of your life.
Start treating yourself like you would your best friend and have your own back.
A Final Note!
Having your back makes life better.
I swear as women we don’t do this enough.
My hope is that these tools help inspire you to have your own back no matter what.